The Craig Affair: Senator "Tappy McWidestance" *

You have to start to feel sorry for this guy. I have reviewed the transcript of the police interrogation, and as a defense lawyer I can't believe he plead guilty to anything. Anyway, here is a comment I wrote after first hearing his humiliating press conference (before he resigned) where he stressed that he really is not gay, and never has been gay! Now, to justify this under a "systems thinking" blog entry, I submit that Senator Widestance's resignation today was due to the feedback he received from a number of information systems . . . .

And now, my version of the Craig press conference!

I'm not gay, have never been gay, and will never be gay. I wouldn't even know what the word "gay" means, except for the purpose of being against it.

Further, I do not know any gay people and don't want to know any gay people. Did I mention that I'm so not gay? In fact, just to show you how not gay I am, you know those magazine advertisements that show male models in their underwear? You know, those really buff guys in such masculine poses? Well I never look at those either. I look away if I open a magazine and one of those nasty, nasty boys is pictured there! And I don't save those pictures under a hidden shelf in my bathroom and I never will, I can promise you that!

I remember when a movie came out where Christopher Reeve kissed Michael Cain. I could not believe my ears, so I rented that movie and watched it 50 or 60 times it was so disgusting.

Especially in slo-mo.

Well, I hope my comments here today have made it clear how not gay I am. I just wanted my privacy and to be loved. Is that so wrong? (What's that? I said what? Oh. . for Pete's . . . ) To clarify, when I said I want to be loved, I meant by another man. WOMAN! I meant woman! Jesus, what is it with you people? I don't even know what I am saying! I don't want to be loved by another man. There are lots of reasons one man would need to have physical contact with another man he doesn't know in a public restroom. I could recite them now but I don't wanna.

Now if you don't mind, I would like some private time. Not with another man! Your minds are in the gutter! And Bill Clinton is still the true nasty boy! A great, big, naughty, nasty boy!

* I first heard Senator "Tappy McWidestance" on the Stephanie Miller Show on Air America.